Dark Steps of Faith
The title of John’s story came from words he spoke in our
interview. That’s how he described his journey, as dark steps on the road of faith and finding the light of grace. I
don’t think I could have spun any other words together to have better conveyed
the truth of his story.
John was seven when he first had sex with a man. There
wasn’t anything odd about it. He just thought it was something that people did.
At 16, he came to Christ, his parents separated, and he
moved with his mom from Oregon to New York . His high
school years were defined by constant moving around. He attended 5 or 6
different high schools in 4 years. At 17, they moved back to Oregon and reunited with his father.
In Springfield ,
Oregon
In this dark step, John saw God’s hand of mercy on him. The
other sailors who had been targeted and baited were dishonorably discharged,
and surprisingly, the court found the man who tried to entrap John guilty. That
man ended up being court marshaled and black marked, while the court had
compassion on John and gave him an honorable discharge telling him that they
weren’t allowed to keep him in the Navy but that they hoped his life would not
be marred by this experience.
At 21, John married Katie. He hoped that this would put an end
to his troubles and fears; that marrying would take away the pain, doubt and
confusion. He and Katie had 2 children, a son and a daughter. But after years
of struggle, they divorced.
It was after these life events that John’s parents decided
that they no longer had a son that they could love and accept. A funeral was held for him by some at a local
church. He was told he was dead to them. There are no words to describe this.
It was another life altering incident, where John was
attacked, beaten and left in a field to die. Just as he had been targeted and
baited in the Navy, this man lured him into a field and doled his own judgment
out on John. He was badly beaten and his jaw was broken. “God got me out of
that field,” John says, though he doesn’t know how.
The next dark step was back to San Diego . It was there where John dove head
first into the homosexual lifestyle. He found acceptance and belonging. He met
someone who vowed to commit to him and who helped him reestablish his
connection with his children. But this bliss lasted for only a while and ended
painfully. John’s companion became ill from complications from AIDS. Though
contact with his family had been minimal, John called his sister who came and
prayed with his friend. He recalls the nice room they were in at the hospice
center where they gave John a morphine stick to ease the last moments for his friend.
This was indeed a dark step for John.
Through all of this John was never bitter towards his
parents. He understood why they didn’t want to have anything to do with him,
but he hated God. He always had good jobs and was able to raise his children starting
at the age of 10. He had never gotten sick, though he was HIV positive. His
words were, “God was good to us, but I never acknowledged it.”
In 2001, John moved to Sacramento. The kids were grown and
changes were happening in his heart. A television program featured a
motivational preacher whose message resonated with him. It was a message that
caused him to begin to believe that God was drawing him closer. He started to
pray and God began to heal. He had questions and began to search for answers. He
stopped living the lifestyle he had known for so long. He talked with his
children and apologized for the life he had lived in front of them. Their
response was one of love.
The next stop for John was Colorado . Life had begun to come together,
but this stop proved to have its dark spaces as well. More and more isolation came like pounding
waves.
John knows rejection. He has felt it from strangers, friends
and family. He’s been kicked out of homes, churches and organizations; he’s
been beaten and discarded and left for dead. And the acceptance he felt from
the gay community began to show itself for what it was: as an invitation to
die.
At his lowest point, when rejection and pain were at full
force in John’s life, his sister called and told him that their dad had had a
devastating stroke. After years of God’s loving restoration of his heart and
mind, John packed a few suitcases and 24 hours later, December 1st
at noon, he pulled up in his parents’ driveway. John’s words about that day
were these, “I had no relationship with these two people. And yet God put me in
a car and brought me here, to love and accept them. After 20 years. I don’t
know…maybe I should look at what God has done.” John goes on to say, “The grace
of it all is that I didn’t do anything to put it back together. It was given by
God.”
Today John lives with his parents and cares for them daily.
Though his father’s stroke has left him unable to have a “normal” relationship,
he has reunited with his mother. John also works to grow the ministry he
founded called Free Indeed. John’s efforts of being good weren’t what brought
about reconciliation and redemption. He didn’t pull everything together and
then God decided to use him and heal him. He still struggles. The scripture John recites is I Corinthians 9:22, 23 to explain how he sees
God working, “To the weak I became weak, to win the
weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I
might save some. I do all this for the sake of
the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.” God reminded John of the
key moments in his life, all the pain, sorrow, rejection, feelings of emptiness
and complete loss of hope…and showed him that He was with him every dark step.
“So grace is the message,” John
says
about the ministry of Free Indeed, “an absolute, unyielding
explosion of grace. We don’t need to know anything about you, because God loves
you.”
Those dark steps of faith were
taken one step at a time. John looks back and sees how far he’s come from those
dark steps into the wonderful, freeing light of God’s grace.
No comments:
Post a Comment